The. End.

About a week ago I was going to post how Shawn and I were having a rough patch with our relationship. I stress about school, he stresses about work. I stress about the kids, he stresses about his hobbies. I wish I could say that we had overcome these hard times.

It started Saturday night (the 15th) when I asked if he could leave so I could finish working on this very stressful Anne Boleyn paper that I was trying to work on for my Western Civilization class. He refused to leave and the rest of the day was quiet. We argued for a while and then things were back to normal. Sunday we hung out together and no problems. Monday, the same.

But Tuesday, Tueday was not the same. He told me he needed “some time to himself”. He says he needs “to find myself”. He’s 30 and he hates his job and with my crappy health I have to be honest and say that I haven’t been here for him one hundred percent.

That said. He refused to call me back on Wednesday. He promised he come on Thursday to pay our cable bill and see Scout. He never showed up and he never paid the bill. I’ve talked to what friends I have (let’s face it, Shawn intimidated a lot of my old friends). It’s been the hardest thing to do, sit around waiting for him to call. I cry when I think about what he might be doing. I get anxious when the phone rings. I sleep with Jem’s 21 oz. baseball bat next to my nightstand.

To top it off, the medications the previous Dr. gave me have given me some hardcore symptoms and I had to go to the ER. Pretty much alone. So I just cried into my pillow between the nurses setting up IV’s and taking samples. The Dr. says I might have colitis. I’m taking antibiotics but now my stomach and rib cage are bruised and every thing hurts.

None of that hurts as much as Shawn walking away from me. From Scout. From the family we’ve been for 4 1/2 years. He’s promised to pay the rent and re-up our lease. But none the less I’m scared. I’m anxious. I want to talk to him and apologize for putting my foot in my mouth because I know I said things that I regretted a moment later. But he doesn’t want to talk. He said he’s “fed up” and he’s no longer wearing his wedding ring.

I packed up four boxes of his clothes, but I can’t figure out if I should give him the things that I knit for him. Would he want them? Or the photos of us? Or does he just want to excise me, and Scout, from his life.

All the surgeries, all the appointments, all the aftercare…none of it compares to a broken heart and broken spirit. I miss him so much. I love him so much. But he’s at that point where he just doesn’t want to deal with it. I hope, and pray, that maybe in a few weeks things will be different and that maybe he’ll come back to me.

For now, it’s just me and the kids. And Rogue. I probably won’t be on this space as there are so many things to do when you separate from your loved ones. But I wanted those of you who know me, those of you who actually care about my well being, to know that I am really trying hard to get through these dark days. And I hope that soon I can post something bright and uplifting.



15 thoughts on “The. End.

  1. I so sad for you and for Scout. But you’ve shown before that you have what it takes to overcome adversity. My best to you.

  2. Oh. My heart is breaking for you. Having lived through a similar-sounding break-up (and eventual divorce) I can empathize with the anxiety, the fear, the loneliness, the crippling unknown, and I’m so so sorry. It may sound trite, but know that I’ll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes of strength and clarity to you through the universe.

    Please drop me an email anytime.


  3. Hey,
    Prayers and concern your way. You we my partner in the Bend the Rules quilt swap a few years ago. When I see the quilt you made I’ll be thinking of you in the coming weeks.

    Peace and care.

  4. My heart goes out to all of you; my fervent hope is that you make it through this rough patch knowing the love and concern of those who “know” you in real- and online-life. While it’s not going to be easy and you don’t know what the future holds, focus only on the next minute, the next hour. Accept help and remain hopeful.

    Big hugs.

  5. Oh my. I haven’t been reading your blog that long but I can ‘hear’ how heartbroken you are. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
    I don’t know if it’ll help or not but I’ve been watching this show on the religious channel about marriage. It’s called Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen. It’s amazingly insightful. They have a course called Love on the Rocks that many couples swear by. Maybe it could help. Your husband may just be as lost as you are. Maybe you both need some guidance.
    I hope this helps and I wish you the best.

    from my hear to yours

  6. Oh, sweetie, my heart goes out to you and your family. You have a ton of virtual friends out here who do really care about you. Hang in there and take care of yourself and Scout. Marriage is a commitment, and there are always bumps in the road you need to work out. Hopefully, things will work out for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Oh, sweetie, my heart goes out to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Just so you know, your virtual friends really do care about you and your family. I hope things work out for you. In the meantime, take care of yourself and Scout.

  8. So sorry to hear that you’re going through this! Hope that you both can work it out. Marriage is difficult and trying in the early years for sure.

  9. I am so sorry. I know this is really hard and scarey. I will be thinking of you and Scout. Hoping it all works out for your family. I don’t know where you are with God but I do know that all things are possible for those who believe. Sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me going. Love to you and Scout.

  10. Oh AJ, Sweetheart, I am SO sorry to hear this 😦 Relationships are so hard sometimes. I wish I could be there in person to give you the biggest hug. But please, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask me. I’ll e-mail you separately and give you my phone number. I know what you’re going through and I’m so sorry. Big hugs to you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s