A Baby

Nearly four years I was involved in a very personal tragedy. Three days before going on a three day weekend trip to the-middle-of-nowhere-Texas I learned that I was pregnant. I had noticed that my body was changing one day while sitting in Art 102, which I was taking for Summer School. After class one day I decided to buy a pregnancy test kit. I had to confirm what my body was telling me.

I had made no decisions. I had not told the father. I just went to Texas as planned. The plans were set in stone. I couldn’t not go. So I went. I was at the LAX airport at 5 a.m. when I first started to feel, well, funny. I felt feverish.¬† Sweaty. Exhausted. I chalked it up to being nervous. I arrived in Fort Worth/Dallas and immediately started running for my next flight to Austin, which was leaving one hour after I landed. And then I just started to feel even worse. I was completely disoriented. I didn’t know where I was. Where I was going. And yet, somehow I got on my next plane.

Mid flight is when it hit me. I was losing the baby. A baby I barely knew or understood. I hadn’t even heard his/her heartbeat. I hadn’t felt him/her swimming around in it’s little cave. The cramping was so intense. It felt like someone continually knocked the wind out of me. We landed and I ran to the bathroom. Nothing. I ran to one of the terminal shops for pads. Nothing.

I met with my friends mother and we drove three hours to our destination. We stopped once at a small Blue Bunny ice cream shop. We both ordered double scoops of Butter Pecan that immediately started to melt and leak from the little sugar cones in the summer heat. She held my cone when I had this urge. I sat on the toilet for what seems like hours feeling the blood rush from my body. The cramping intensified as I held on tightly to the steel handle that sat next to the toilet. What was the handle for? Disabled people? Or girls who miscarried in the-middle-of-nowhere-Texas and had to stop at the closet thing that had a somewhat clean bathroom?

That evening, in the hotel bathroom, I just sat under the spray of the shower. I allowed my body to purge itself. I said my goodbyes to someone I didn’t know. Someone I would never know.

Fast forward to January 06. Shawn and I had only been together for about a month and a half before I got pregnant, for the third time. I knew it the weekend of his birthday when the morning sickness flooded my mouth. He knew it too. Neither of us said a word. We knew that we would just do what we had to do. Afterall, what other options are there? But this would be the second time that I wouldn’t get to know the little creature that found it’s way into my stomach. And heart. A week later it started all over again. I laid on my bed with my legs up. Hoping. Waiting. Praying. I watched every minute tick by on the digital clock on the stereo. I counted to 60. I counted every minute. Until I could no longer count. And then I cried. I got on my hands and knees and screamed. Shawn held me and told me everything would be ok. He looked into my eyes and asked, “Do you want a baby?”. It sounded like a dumb question but I realized at once that we both wanted the same thing. A family. Just one more person to love.

What makes me think of these things? What makes me question the inevitable? I started reading a new Jodi Picoult book that’s about “wrongful birth”. There was a comment that a priest says about life’s struggles. He says that God doesn’t give people more than they can handle. In ways I never understood, I can agree to this. I have to believe there is something better. I didn’t have a chance to name them, to know if they were blonde boys or brunette girls. I didn’t have a chance to hold them, to know if they have a birthmark on their right hip like me and Jem. I didn’t have the chance to buy them Onesies and jammies with feet, to breathe them in and never forget their scent.

It all came as a rush when Scout finally said, “I wuv you mama”. And then when she walked away with her baby swaddled in a fleece blanket imprinted with kitty cats. I hope she will¬† hold onto her baby for as long as she can. I still do.

scoutbaby

Scout’s Baby, “Dot Dolly” pattern from Herbst’s Etsy Shop

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Craft Obsession

My life has been turned into a craft abyss. Obsession isn’t quite a strong enough word. I’ve continued to try and keep up with my little Swap-Bot swaps. This last little batch took a toll on me because it seemed that the deadlines were all around the same time – April 1. I am still working on a few items, both for those swaps and for my Mobile Swap. I have been a horrible pal, (I’d say usually I’m pretty good, but not this time). My mobile is well over a month over due. Partially because I’ve been a neurotic detail obsessed artist. And partially because there have been some more health issues that have been riddling my body, yet again.

There has been success though:

This is my finished apron, (at the time it wasn’t completely done, I hadn’t pressed it one last time), for the Flirty Apron and Acessory Swap. I used the pattern from Lotta Jandsotters Simple Sewing. This is the first actual sewing pattern, (you know, with an actual template), I’ve finished so I was really excited. The apron is completely reversible. The only modifications I made were to add pockets on each side. Here’s the other side:

I am really happy with the fabrics I chose. Very spring, very summer. And I think all in all it is a very stylish apron, (if I don’t say so myself). It’s on it’s way home Monday morning!

The mobile I can’t show you because I haven’t finished the embroidery, so check in again this week so to see my needle and thread attempts. (I can honestly say that I suck at hand embroidery. I am ok with cross stitch, but anything beyond those little x’s and I’m done!)

Luckily I’ve had more time to knit, and more motivation as well. My CPH is coming along nicely:

This is the back center cables of the CPH. I am happy to say that I’m pleased with the Cascade 220. Every time I’d touch it at the LYS it just didn’t feel soft to me. But I gave it a try and the yarn is going to make a very cozy cardigan. I’m about 1/3 into the left front right now. Some nights it can be a fast knit, others a very slow one. Part of the health problems is that I’m experiencing some arthritis. My father’s side of the family had a bad gene pool, seriously, and it’s starting to take a toll on me. Some days it isn’t so bad. Other days I wake up and my whole body hurts. I’ll be seeing yet another Dr. about it soon, but seriously?! I really don’t want to be going back to a series of Drs. – again.

I’ve had time to clean the carpets, (again), make carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, some sewing here and there, make some cards, work on my new crystal bracelet, (though now I’m designing it differently than the original concept I had), reading, (still reading, “Murder on the Orient Express”, I think that’s the last Agatha Christie on my list), a little bit of napping, and a little shopping. The first shopping trip was for the fabrics for my quilt class that starts at the end of the month. I wanted something a little shabby chic, lots of pinks and browns:

I’m not too certain abuot the two fabrics on the right, I really like the one farthest to the right but I think I might replace the other with a different pink and brown. That one seems to be too light in my opinion. But, it won’t look like this when it’s done. I am not sure of the pattern I am using, I just know it’s called “Sweet Dreams”. You’ll see me progress, or lack thereof, at the end of the month.

Another score? I signed up for Sundara’s Yarn Seasons Club. Now normally my somewhat level headed brain of mine would say, “That’s an awful lot of money for just a few skeins of yarn over the course of a year”. And do agree with that statement. All in all it will cost $306 for one year of her club. In return I will receive three skeins of sock yarn, 4 skeins of silky merino (aran and fingering), and 1 skein of laceweight. I won’t know the colors which in a way scares me. (I signed up for winter, so I’m hoping for greys, purples and blues.) Then again it excites me. I really can’t justify doing this, except that I’ve wanted to join the past two times and didn’t. And because Shawn has so graciously offered to pay the fees every month. (Can’t say no to the one you love you know?)

I couldn’t say no to this little gem either:

Not many of you know this, but before Shawn and I got pregnant, (well more me than him, LOL), he’d asked me to marry him. But then little Scout decided to join our family and our finances and energy went into her. Since then Shawn has asked me what kind of ring I wanted. Rather then tell him to shell out the $1,300 Tiffany’s ring I wanted, I asked him to make my ring. And he did. We went to the bead shop together and I picked up the crystals I wanted. He went and took the ring making class and this is what he came up with. I aboslutely ♥ it. So did one of the shop owners who so kindly offered to keep the ring in case I didn’t like it. (I did call her later to tell her that she was out of luck.) It means all the more to me because he made it. We have picked out our wedding bands and very soon you will all get to see pictures of our happy day.

So that’s what’s been going on here. I’m enjoying spring, though Jem’s break starts this week and we are at wits end on what to do besides the zoo. The weather warms up some days and on others like Wednesday it rains. (I don’t oppose the rain, it just makes spring break harder with an impatient 9 year old and his even more impatient 15 month old sister.)

By the way, Scout is talking. Her first sentence was, “Whadisit?” (Which really means “what is it”?) When she says this she will do one of two things: 1. She will raise her arm, smile and point to whatever it is or 2. She will try to take your shirt off and point to your belly button. If you are fast enough you won’t get a slimy baby finger in the hole. We haven’t been that fast.