flowercupcakes

{ i invite you to have a cupcake! }

cupcakes, for my family, symbolize celebration. something good for us. whether we are celebrating a new season or individual success, cupcakes truly make any situation better. and i would say that it is true for the good news i’m about to share. after being homeless for 5 1/2 months we received wonderful news! yesterday, i got the phone call. i have been accepted into a transitional living program! there is much reason for balloons, streamers, bright lights, pinatas, and cupcakes! after searching for a place to call home, we now have somewhere to rest our heads at night. though it isn’t quite our own apartment lifestyle that we are used to, i can call it h.o.m.e. that’s been so important to me for the past few months.

this particular transitional home is Christian based. their program runs 6 months to 2 years. i estimated that i could save approximately $16,000 in the next two years by sticking to their individual budgeting. while that means i will have to learn to be frugal, it also means that i would have at least a year and a half of payments saved towards renting my own apartment again. it also means that i will be able to work on repairing my credit diligently. there are youth programs, on campus, for both children. i will continue to homeschool Scout. transportation is available throughout the day and for Jem to get to and from school. i haven’t seen the individual apartments, though i have toured the other parts of the property and am very impressed. i am told that each apartment is essentially a studio apartment without the kitchen (because they are located in the foothills of the mountains, they do have problems with rodent infestation so they do not allow residents to cook/bake in their individual apartments, but they do provide meals and snacks).

i’ve been dreaming about this for a while. next Wednesday, at 1 p.m., is our move in date. we will have comfortable beds. a place to put our things. i won’t have to tote my things to and from storage three times a day. most importantly, i will be with my kids. we are reuniting as a family again, and that makes my heart feel good again. i can not wait to put sheets on my bed. or to watch Scout discover the wilderness that will surround us. i can’t wait to put a welcome mat outside my door. or to have somewhere to sit without being in one’s way. i can’t wait to be able to cozy up with the kids and watch a movie from beginning to end (all in the same day). or to take a shower without being interrupted.

things are looking up for us. i thank God for giving us a second chance. now onto the celebration…

Advertisements

spiraling down

it’s like things couldn’t get any worse. and then they did. unimaginable. the comfort and safety i once felt in having home was taken away from me, twice more. once, by an irresponsible roommate who failed to mention all the facts. second, by my alcoholic mother who i have abandoned all hope for.

in the past thirty six days:

  • i’ve moved my family five times (tomorrow being the fifth, and i’d like to think final)
  • i cried when i had to tell my daughter “good bye”. it was the hardest two weeks of my life.
  • i stood out in the rain, not sure which direction i should go.
  • i spent 7 days in a hospital. reassessing all that was good. all that is bad.
  • i’ve slept in seven different beds. only one of them being my own.

and then i rejoined reality. faced up to the things i knew i needed to do. the boundaries i had to break. people gave me hugs, patted my back. i listened to the stories of addicts, how they survived their disease. i went a week without speaking to my baby, seven days. consecutively. all those disturbing thoughts resurfaced. and then i spoke to Father Ambrose. {he says, “establish yourself”}. visited by my Pastor {he says, “things are bad, but you aren’t at your worst”}. Saturday morning hours ticked away. and then she came home to me.

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

we are running away together, so to speak.

tomorrow, Monday, we are going to be leaving l.a. county and moving to ventura. it makes my insides feel like jelly when i think about it. the moving around is very unsettling. i crave stability. routine. a reason to make me wake up every morning and fight this brain disease. i trudge through the day, taking the medications that they really don’t know much about. i eat out of necessity, i try to make sure the kids get to eat first. so when i make that move, i have this painfully hopeful expectation that things will get better. i know that they could get worse, i’ve seen them get worse. but my outlook is a brighter blue than the dreary gray area in which i live. i will have a bedroom. Scout will sleep with me, filling the empty space between us. she has a better chance at getting an invaluable education. she will see more green around her. most importantly, she won’t be around the people who hurt her.

i have plenty of goals, to do’s, if you will:

  • buy our own bed
  • open my Etsy shop
  • get part time work in a veterinary office or dog grooming salon
  • finish reading “the lady of the rivers
  • finish knitting Frippery (with obligatory shots of cuteness all around)
  • maintain budget with tax refund. commit. be serious. make it work.
  • try the best to fit in somewhere else. starting over.

starting over. that’s pretty heavy. but that’s what i’m doing. i’m not even going that far (maybe 20 miles away). but far enough that i have a new chance. my dreams of walking into class tomorrow morning have, once again, been upset. there will not be any college courses this semester. but i took the initiative: i filed for the most recent financial aid paperwork. i applied for admission in a college close to where i’ll be living. i’ve already researched veterinary assistant job openings. i’m polishing my resume, long forgotten for nearly ten years. i’m making bigger decisions. i’m choosing not to live in my anxiety. i just don’t have the stomach for it. literally. i have to move on. i have to forget certain incidents that have occurred the past seven months. i am just learning this thing called forgiveness. i have to learn that giving up is not an option. thinking of what my actions could have done to my daughter, they frighten me. she is six. i hope that she will grow up and forget this. i pray to Jesus, just let her have a chance. i want her to have the chance that i didn’t choose to take.

tomorrow. it seems so far away.

2013 here i come…

as tumultuous as 2012 was, and has been, i am secretly looking forward to the New Year. secretly daydreaming of the days yet to come. you see, i have these big goals stirring in my head. i want to start new things. i want to finish old. somewhere deep down in my heart and soul i need to erase the past couple of years, of the bad decisions i made on my part. i have a few new dreams. and a couple of opportunities that beckoned.

my dreams of 2013

1.  complete reading goals: 52 books in 52 weeks (includes youth novels read to Scout)

2. start a monthly Kids Craft Club at our local library

3. commit to volunteering to knit hats for preemie babies (haven’t decided on which charity i will work with)

4. continue volunteer work for animal shelter (goal: 4 hours/week)

5. put together cupcake recipe book

6. finish semester #2 of year 2 towards my AA in Animal Sciences

7. knit my top 5 favorites on Ravelry:

a. framed pullover

b. Celestite

c. Coastal Hoodie

d. Sock Yarn Sweater

e. anything from Rebecca Danger’s new book Knit a Monster Nursery

8. join a 5K marathon in 2013

9. weight loss goals: 2012 i lost 29 pounds. 2013 i hope to lose 37 pounds

10. start working with a new church (for personal reasons)

11. with tax return:

a. pay mom back $500

b. pay back college fees $230

c. buy a new camera : a canon eos rebel t3i

d. start a fund for Scout

12. happily celebrate the year with my little family:

a. take our first family vacation

b. spend a weekend at Disneyland (Thanksgiving weekend 2013)

13. put my dreams on paper, yarn, fabric…focus on my art

grateful

* my financial aid appeal was approved. i will be receiving a grant and loans to cover my expenses for the Spring 2012 semester.

* hot chocolate with mini marshmallows.

* Christmas shopping was actually pretty fun. still need to work on wrapping gifts when the kids go to bed tonight.

* a successful destash to help pay the deposit on an apartment we hope to be approved for back in Santa Clarita. {i found a one bedroom apartment in the same neighborhood as our old apartment for less rent than what i pay now. i applied for the apartment on tuesday and am waiting to hear back if we’ve been approved. right now they are working on Shawn’s proof of income. we should know, hopefully, on Monday.}

* madelintosh tosh merino light in “well water” for a new sweater.

* volunteer opportunities through our church all of December.

* popcorn, white fudge covered pretzels, hot chocolate with mini marshmallows, and the first six “Harry Potter” movies on DVD on a cold, windy Saturday night.

* taking Scout to visit Santa Claus and getting a new animal for her Build a Bear collection. then getting an email the next day for  a free animal. so now getting two animals for the collection, a black teddy bear named “Snow” and a black puppy dog named “Santa”.

everything

it’s always everything, isn’t it?

life has caught up with me, yet again. i find myself knee deep in holiday projects, reading multiple books, loads of laundry, picking up and dropping off two children at various events, rescuing kittens, another bout of ECT and therapy…the list goes on. and that’s only the beginning.

our youth group leader is expecting twins, so there’s been baby knitting.

{ baby aviatrix in madelinetosh sport “candlewick” }

then there was some “i’m really bored but i’m not sure what pattern to choose” knitting:

{ joelle hoverson’s “last minute knitted gifts” chevron scarf in madelinetosh sock “fig” and mama blue simple merino “algae” }

and last sunday we celebrated scout’s baptism:

i spent one week at cedars-sinai, in los angeles, before i had enough “rest”. i finished two novels: “plain truth” by jodi picoult and “carrot cake murder” by joanne fluke. i’ve moved on to chapter six of “a confident heart” by renee swope and just started reading “made to crave”.

my upcoming schedule includes everything. making crock pot apple butter, knitting one more set of baby booties and matching aviatrix hat for the second twin, attending bible study classes on tuesday mornings, taking scout to the tone chimer’s group on sundays before sunday school, three times a week electroshock therapy appointments, a financial aid meeting to hopefully help with finances for school next semester, continuing my online bible study, wrapping up a halloween swap, sewing scout’s christmas dress, making christmas gifts for the family.

well you get the idea.

it’s everything.

and i wouldn’t change it a bit.

end of the year

i don’t think i’m alone when i say that i’m more than happy to say farewell to 2010. the year has had it’s shares of ups and downs.

two thousand ten:

i lost fifty five pounds in twelve months.

i went back to school in spring, though i had to drop out in fall (i will be returning this coming spring).

i’ve managed to find a new psychiatrist and general practitioner.

shawn and i split up (but there is a glimmer of hope that we will get back together).

rogue ran away a couple of days ago (please keep her in your thoughts).

i lost one home but gained another.

i learned to eat healthier.

i returned to church with arms wide open.

i gave up beading and scrapbooking, but i took up embroidery.

i read 19 books.

i’ve managed to organize my internet and my home. i’m feeling a little more at peace with this new found space.

i got one new tattoo that makes me smile every time i see it.

i learned how to reconfigure my computer after it crashed.

i knit one sweater. (not quite my goal, but next year i expect i’ll have more time to knit.)

i’ve given up on swaps.

my little boy turned twelve, my little girl turned four and i turned thirty.

i watched every episode of “survivor” and was so happy with this years winner. go fabio!

i reconnected with old high school friends on facebook.

i stuck with going to the gym.

i got a car (a week ago).

i started my first sweater for two thousand eleven (it’s hannah fetting’s effortless cardigan using madelinetosh dk in stovepipe).

and i’ve gained a new friend.

(her name is astrid. she’s a four year old lynx point siamese cat that i rescued from the animal shelter. she’s feisty but a lover. she likes to clean her litter box and hide under blankets. she’s also been known to play with yarn.)

 

my little monkey

my own fuzzy. little. monkey. (camera is acting up.) ♥ bouncing up and down on the mattress ♥ pink pants with heart patches on the knees ♥ third little bunny from build. a. bear ♥ baking christmas cookies ♥ making gingerbread houses out of graham crackers and royal icing ♥ crossing out three knitting projects and starting one ♥ ordered four sets of addi’s on ebay ♥ deposited two checks to the bank this week ♥ spending time in the back yard raking leaves for my mom ♥ getting back in to a new book series ♥ hours of preparing for the christmas pageant ♥