{ scout }

it just so happens that Scout is away for the evening. spending time with her daddy. we will be reunited in the morning, as is our usual Sunday morning. she comes hopping out of the backseat of the car and yells “mommy” to me. she always has a big smile, especially in her brown, brown eyes. sometimes she comes directly home. sometimes we meet in the church parking lot. tomorrow will be no different. she’s a big girl now. she’s tall. very tall. she turned 6 years old about two weeks ago.

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she’s in Kindergarten now. it’s been a hard adjustment for her. she loves making new friends but she doesn’t understand why they have to go away. she has a hard time living up to her teacher’s expectations. she gets very upset if she doesn’t do it “perfectly”. she loves singing and dancing. you can tell, in her Winter Program, dressed in Christmas jammies. she has a lot of passion in her. sometimes she gets scared and tells me she “doesn’t want to die” because she doesn’t want to be away from me. but for the most part, she’s cheerful. happy. an angel. she remembers to say “thank you” to the bus drivers. she always gives Ms. Nancy (a Grandparent volunteer at the library) a hug, colorful cards, and pictures. and she loves finding a penny in the road to add to her piggy bank at her dad’s.

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scout. she loves pink, and purple, and green. we have an endless supply of composition books, Crayola crayons, washable markers, and colored pencils (thanks to a few generous friends, and a few generous strangers). Scout loves sweets. she eats a lot these days, and yet she only ways fifty pounds. just a few sacks of potatoes. she smiles a lot, nuzzles her head against me, happily gives away Eskimo kisses. she’s pretty proficient on the computer, especially playing Club Penguin and buying puffles. she just learned that she likes Bean and Bacon soup. her hair has finally grown back in from it’s original “trim”. now she wants to cut it short. she doesn’t like it everywhere. she’s growing up too fast.

i ♥ my stinkerbuggy.

a lot to learn

for one tumultuous year:

falling in love, three times. having my heart broken, three times.

being homeless for almost three months. two apartments, two motels.

losing my car in the middle of the night due to late registration.

having my life threatened by my 14 year old son.

giving up school.

they all come with lessons, don’t they? they must! musn’t they?

i’ve learned that no matter how much i think i know a person, i don’t know every cell. every atom. every intention. i admit, being single sucks. more times than not, i daydream of what was. not what could be. so i know i’m not quite ready for the relationship i’ve always wanted. maybe one day i’ll learn to be at peace with that and be able to move on.

i’ve learned that i need to be responsible. i turned my head a number of times, when i wanted to feel things less. deal with things less. i just wanted to forget and this person was able to give that to me, even if only for a little while. my anxiety has lessened a little bit. i don’t need to take the Klonopin very often, though i do still carry the prescription with me wherever i go. i’ve learned that i need to feel a little more. and deal with things that make me afraid. i’m in the process of moving out, again. for the umpteenth time in three months. i have a fairly good chance (cross myself) of renting an apartment on the other side of the valley. i won’t know for a few days.

i’ve learned i don’t really need a car. i’ve never had much use of them. i’m bad with maintenance. i tend to drive them to the ground in most instances. of course, waking up at 12 a.m. to someone saying “hey, someone towed your car” probably wasn’t the best top-o-the-morning to endure, but i’ve gotten used to those long bus rides with three dozen stops getting me from here-to-there. i actually don’t mind. it’s got me walking more (which means i’m losing weight in the process). i enjoy the longer rides when i can crack open a book and get lost into a story. (currently, “the kingmaker’s daughter” by Philippa Gregory). and economically, well i’m no longer spending $20 every three days on gas. i don’t even have to spend $20 for the entire month.

i’ve learned that i will have to choose my battles. he is fourteen now. Asperger’s syndrome. therapy resistant. ADD. Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Depressive Disorder. won’t comply with medication instructions. truant from school for two months. he finally crossed the line and i had him hospitalized. he now has his second fifty one fifty on his juvenile record. a few days later he was picked up by the police at 2 a.m. i’ve been told by social workers that at this point he’s gonna need probation, to hopefully, sort him out. i admit, it hasn’t gotten easier. it isn’t the least bit pleasant. i do not trust my son. and sometimes, at night, i hold my daughter a littler closer because i worry that she’s going to suffer something from all of this. i hope that if she learns anything from what she’s been through, i hope that she learns to be strong.

i’ve learned to re evaluate what i want to do with myself. i kept forcing myself to go back and just get it done with, but it wasn’t what i wanted to do. for months i’ve gone back to my original path, in animal sciences. i’m re-taking two courses that i had to do a medical drop out for. i’m also taking an animal care taking class, with lab, and Biology, with lab. it’s approximately 11 units. 9 hours of labs out of the class room. but i’ve made a point to gather all the information i need to be ready on the first day of class. i know what books to purchase. i know what my schedule is and will keep to it. soon i’ll learn everything else i need to know. in the meantime, i’m going to try to enjoy my 34 days of freedom before school actually begins. i will be giving up my afternoons, putting someone else in charge of Scout three afternoons a week.

i’ve surrendered so much these past 365 days. i’m hopeful that the next 365 will provide for better days. and hopefully in each one of the, i will have learned something.

everything

it’s always everything, isn’t it?

life has caught up with me, yet again. i find myself knee deep in holiday projects, reading multiple books, loads of laundry, picking up and dropping off two children at various events, rescuing kittens, another bout of ECT and therapy…the list goes on. and that’s only the beginning.

our youth group leader is expecting twins, so there’s been baby knitting.

{ baby aviatrix in madelinetosh sport “candlewick” }

then there was some “i’m really bored but i’m not sure what pattern to choose” knitting:

{ joelle hoverson’s “last minute knitted gifts” chevron scarf in madelinetosh sock “fig” and mama blue simple merino “algae” }

and last sunday we celebrated scout’s baptism:

i spent one week at cedars-sinai, in los angeles, before i had enough “rest”. i finished two novels: “plain truth” by jodi picoult and “carrot cake murder” by joanne fluke. i’ve moved on to chapter six of “a confident heart” by renee swope and just started reading “made to crave”.

my upcoming schedule includes everything. making crock pot apple butter, knitting one more set of baby booties and matching aviatrix hat for the second twin, attending bible study classes on tuesday mornings, taking scout to the tone chimer’s group on sundays before sunday school, three times a week electroshock therapy appointments, a financial aid meeting to hopefully help with finances for school next semester, continuing my online bible study, wrapping up a halloween swap, sewing scout’s christmas dress, making christmas gifts for the family.

well you get the idea.

it’s everything.

and i wouldn’t change it a bit.

dressed up

finally got the little push i needed to figure out how to put this top together for scout. it only took me months but what’s a few months? she was sporting her new top when it was all sunny and bright this morning. very spring-ish.

{ using an amy butler print that i bought last year }

{ the matter of fact pose }

{ ruffle-ness}

in the end it all became clear, but the instructions weren’t very clear with me. maybe because i’m really not a seamstress. sure i can put a few things together every now and again, but i have to take comfort that i’m just a knitter. yes, just a knitter. { smile }