a lot to learn

for one tumultuous year:

falling in love, three times. having my heart broken, three times.

being homeless for almost three months. two apartments, two motels.

losing my car in the middle of the night due to late registration.

having my life threatened by my 14 year old son.

giving up school.

they all come with lessons, don’t they? they must! musn’t they?

i’ve learned that no matter how much i think i know a person, i don’t know every cell. every atom. every intention. i admit, being single sucks. more times than not, i daydream of what was. not what could be. so i know i’m not quite ready for the relationship i’ve always wanted. maybe one day i’ll learn to be at peace with that and be able to move on.

i’ve learned that i need to be responsible. i turned my head a number of times, when i wanted to feel things less. deal with things less. i just wanted to forget and this person was able to give that to me, even if only for a little while. my anxiety has lessened a little bit. i don’t need to take the Klonopin very often, though i do still carry the prescription with me wherever i go. i’ve learned that i need to feel a little more. and deal with things that make me afraid. i’m in the process of moving out, again. for the umpteenth time in three months. i have a fairly good chance (cross myself) of renting an apartment on the other side of the valley. i won’t know for a few days.

i’ve learned i don’t really need a car. i’ve never had much use of them. i’m bad with maintenance. i tend to drive them to the ground in most instances. of course, waking up at 12 a.m. to someone saying “hey, someone towed your car” probably wasn’t the best top-o-the-morning to endure, but i’ve gotten used to those long bus rides with three dozen stops getting me from here-to-there. i actually don’t mind. it’s got me walking more (which means i’m losing weight in the process). i enjoy the longer rides when i can crack open a book and get lost into a story. (currently, “the kingmaker’s daughter” by Philippa Gregory). and economically, well i’m no longer spending $20 every three days on gas. i don’t even have to spend $20 for the entire month.

i’ve learned that i will have to choose my battles. he is fourteen now. Asperger’s syndrome. therapy resistant. ADD. Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Depressive Disorder. won’t comply with medication instructions. truant from school for two months. he finally crossed the line and i had him hospitalized. he now has his second fifty one fifty on his juvenile record. a few days later he was picked up by the police at 2 a.m. i’ve been told by social workers that at this point he’s gonna need probation, to hopefully, sort him out. i admit, it hasn’t gotten easier. it isn’t the least bit pleasant. i do not trust my son. and sometimes, at night, i hold my daughter a littler closer because i worry that she’s going to suffer something from all of this. i hope that if she learns anything from what she’s been through, i hope that she learns to be strong.

i’ve learned to re evaluate what i want to do with myself. i kept forcing myself to go back and just get it done with, but it wasn’t what i wanted to do. for months i’ve gone back to my original path, in animal sciences. i’m re-taking two courses that i had to do a medical drop out for. i’m also taking an animal care taking class, with lab, and Biology, with lab. it’s approximately 11 units. 9 hours of labs out of the class room. but i’ve made a point to gather all the information i need to be ready on the first day of class. i know what books to purchase. i know what my schedule is and will keep to it. soon i’ll learn everything else i need to know. in the meantime, i’m going to try to enjoy my 34 days of freedom before school actually begins. i will be giving up my afternoons, putting someone else in charge of Scout three afternoons a week.

i’ve surrendered so much these past 365 days. i’m hopeful that the next 365 will provide for better days. and hopefully in each one of the, i will have learned something.


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