365 days

it really has been an entire year since i’ve posted. 

twelve months. fifty two weeks. three hundred sixty five days.

some of the past year has been a disaster.

  • i started the year off needing to get a Restraining Order against the guy i was dating. the middle of the year was spent trying to put back the puzzle pieces of the life that Shawn and I was once shared. and the end of the year was me grieving because of the heartbreak of a man i thought i could trust for the rest of my life.
  • i tried going back to school in the Fall. i’d started out with 12 units which dwindled to 9, to 6, to 3, and then to none. i disappointed myself more than i could imagine.
  • in October i lost my apartment. a week later my car was impounded. some of it was due in part to the lack of Shawn’s financial stability in regards to child support. some of it was due to my bad choices. the end result was that the kids and i moved our belongings to a 5 x 10 storage and lived in a motel for seven weeks and my mom’s beat down RV with no electricity or water for a week.
  • i kind of lost my mojo. i was hospitalized three times. i stopped knitting for five months. i became too dependent on those little yellow pills that carry a short term cure for relieving anxiety. i lost 42 lbs this year, mostly from working out and walking more but also from the great amount of stress i’ve been dealing with on a daily basis.
  • Jem was officially diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. he refuses to take any medications for the hyperactivity. he’s gotten much more physical and violent towards me and Scout. dealing with the middle school system was a nightmare, but high school has been worse as he’s been ditching classes after getting into an altercation in gym class. i question my parenting abilities much more now that he’s fourteen and hitting puberty.

but then some of the year has been absolutely spectacular:

  • Scout and i celebrated Christmas together at Disneyland, last year. it was a magical day. her big brown eyes lit up at the sight of Mickey Mouse. she laughed and giggled with other little girls while standing in hour long lines. she fell asleep on the way home, still holding on to her lit up balloon. it was well worth wearing the wrong shoes to walk in and the two bags of Goofy Gummy Ears that i ate.
  • i’ve spent more time giving back through my church. i joined the Women’s Ministry. i volunteered to teach arts and crafts during the week long Vacation Bible School that our church organizes every year (two hundred children this summer). sometimes i spend time with the homeless that come to our church Pantry when they come to pick up their baskets of food.
  • i’ve spent more time with getting to know Scout. she’s become a very grown up five year old girl. she doesn’t mind rescuing snails and making homes for them in a box filled with grass. she’s learned to make friends with different children despite an onslaught of racist and ignorant comments that have come her way. she makes the people she meets smile, whether it’s the bus driver, the grandparent volunteer who reads stories at our local library, or even her new Kindergarten teacher. i admit that the beauty she exerts makes me cry at times.

what dreams may come:

  • i was a week late but i was able to register in the Veterinary Technology program at my local community college and resume the courses that i didn’t finish from about ten years ago. i’m enrolled in 12 units, all of which i can take while Scout is in school and not have to worry about who will watch my kids so i can go to class and study. this is the opportunity i have been looking for to finish school.
  • i found a room for rent in the old neighborhood i lived when i met Shawn. there are a few obstacles that need to be tackled: my roommate and i didn’t know we could only have three people in the household. another is that the management company apparently wants to run my credit. obviously i’m hesitant about both. while i’m searching for placement for Jem, i really don’t know if i can find support fast enough. and i know that my credit is not up to par considering some of the financial choices i’ve made in the past year. i’m trying to remain hopeful that we will be able to sort everything out and that we can move past this, quickly.
  • i committed myself to volunteering for an animal rescue for the next six months. i will be helping to find homes for rescued animals in the Los Angeles area. 
  • i’m determined to learn from my mistakes and work past them this coming year. i want to keep my home. i want to continue my education. i want to separate myself from negative people and live a more positive life. 

after all. i have another three hundred sixty five days to change.


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