very rarely do i post about my depression. after all, it’s a fairly depressing subject. a concept hard to convey to someone who has never felt like they are drowning in darkness. five days of crying. crying because some days it feels like shawn’s ghost is just behind me, out of my reach. crying because things are not falling into place like a perfectly put together jigsaw puzzle. crying because nothing ever seems like enough to two fatherless children. today has been a crying free day. i’ve spent time online, spent time cleaning, spent time thinking. when a despairing thought comes to mind i try to distract myself. the days have melted together. i can’t explain the how or the why. i can not rationalize the what if’s and maybes. simply put i’m living in an alternate world where the word “divorce” can set me into a crying fit, clutching the stuffed owl he gave me before he walked out. other times it’s watching my daughter working in her workbook and i feel a sense of calmness rush over me. i’ve yet to achieve balance, but i’m striving for something better than the moments where i feel like drowning me.