Spring in Southern California has been very strange, to say the least. Some days are warm and bright and you think to yourself, Summer is going to be extremely hot if it’s like this already. Some days it’s cold, windy and rainy and you think to yourself, Summer is going to be short and sweet. But for me, well I feel like I’ve been hibernating for so long and I’m having a terrible time trying to wake up. Lately my days have been riddled with pain. And yet I still find ways to keep my creativity queue flowing.
Nights are the hardest. Usually Shawn goes to bed a few hours before me. I spend my late nights watching old Miss Marple movies. I knit. I read. I’ve spent a bit of time on the computer finding all sorts of new cute patterns, Softies books and classes to meet my idol.
When I wrap everything up and make sure to lock the doors and turn off all the lights I creep into the bedroom. I always turn the fan on, regardless of the temperatures. I lift the blankets and try to get comfortable without waking Shawn up. Sometimes I lay on my back, knowing I won’t fall asleep. But I just think. I think of all the endless possibilities that life will hold. I have a few business ideas in mind and I think of all the sketches I need to draw. I think of all the fabrics I can use. I think of the children who will hold dear these little trinkets. And then I turn onto my left side and I watch the pale orange glow of the street lights that pour into the nooks and crannies of our vertical blinds. When I get sick of looking at the distracting light I turn to my right side. I take in the cold air from the fan. Sometimes I wipe away the tears that form because of the air. And when all else fails I lay on my stomach. My fleece pillowcase against my cheek, my legs forming a 4. After a while I drift off and I stop thinking about all the things I’d like to do. Now I just dream of them.
I pour through my memory and I tell myself that I will read every letter in these books.
I promise myself I will finish a present by Easter Sunday.
I think of all the outfits that I can wear with such a pretty knitted item that someone so kindly made for me. Just for me.
I tell myself, just a few more inches. Really.
I dream of all the different patterns that I can use to display such beautiful color.
How funny that up until this very moment I felt like I was being completely unproductive. But I realize now that I haven’t. I have plans. Big plans.