Today is a day filled with mixed emotions. I woke up mid morning to the rhythmic sounds of the falling and rising of Shawn’s light snoring. In a way I was lucky that he stayed home. In a way I’m a bit unlucky. Lucky because most days I miss him and wish that he didn’t have to break his back for the rest of his life to put food on the table and to pay the bills. Unlucky because I could get used to having him home on days he should be at work. We’ve been together a solid three years minus the days I was in the hospital during my surgeries. I’ve never gotten used to the daily humdrum of him leaving at 5 and returning at 3. If I had my way we would spend the rest of our days laying in bed in our pajama’s or taking drives to unknown destinations.
Today is just one of those days. I feel dependent. I feel like there are just too many things to do and there isn’t any time to do any of it. I feel like the past is cloudy and the future bleak. I feel sad and empty yet a bit relieved. You see, we had to take our little bundle of furriness back to her owners the other night. She was sick and it was something that I could not take responsibility for. In so many ways I want to replace her, to make things better. But that is selfish. So I will grieve in all the ways I know how and try to remember the couple of days that she bright light in our lives. I haven’t brought myself to contacting the owners. I don’t want to know the outcome. I want to think that she’s pulling through, maybe running around her with her brothers and sisters. I want to think that she remembers the family who loved her so, even if only for a few brief moments.
I try to fill this void. It’s a difficult task. Sometimes I think I’ll finish the crystal bracelet that needs a few more rows on one side. Or I will start my quilt for the Four Seasons Quilt Swap, even if only to draw out some of my ideas. Maybe I’ll get to scrubbing the bathroom like I’ve intended on for the past couple of weeks.
Instead, I sit. I read. I finished reading The Last Chinese Chef and started ‘Tis. I read other peoples stories because I really don’t want to think of my own. I’ve even managed to watch a few recorded shows on our DVR. “I Love Lucy” can do wonders for ones’ spirits.
I’ve even managed to knit. I finished sock #1 of the Secret Husband Socks and have already started #2. For once I don’t feel daunted by the dreaded second sock. I am also in the process of starting my big project. The one. The one that has Fair Isle and steeks. The one that will fill that bit of emptiness that seems to keep me grounded.
Louet Gems Fingering in Caribou, Champange and Navy for Little Birds by Ysolda Teague
1. It’s January; it’s the beginning of something new.
2. French fries and ice cream is what I crave most right now.
3. Cork and wine go together like peanut butter and chocolate.
4. Sunshine is so nourishing.
5. Let us dare tohope.
6. The wind is whipping around the walls of my home.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to Friday night Stitch and Bitch with friends, tomorrow my plans include going on a Scion cruise with Shawn and Sunday, I want to sleep all day!