I’ve steadily been working on my second Central Park Hoodie, though I should be finishing up my sock design, my test knitting, and a number of other projects. The fact is this sweater is fairly mindless. I can knit and never be disappointed with what I’m doing next. It’s easy and somewhat familiar. I don’t need to refer back to the pattern, I just let my fingers twist and turn the fibers and let my hands do the work. I need mindless right now. A few days ago I popped some stitches on one side of my stomach and now I have a fairly large lump underneath the skin that is quite painful. I think I popped a couple on the other side because it’s painful, yet there is no lump. I’ve been assured this is normal but all the same, I’m in pain and need something to focus on.
I’m excited about the prospects of this sweater. I see myself throwing it on over a white t shirt and jeans. I see myself wearing it to the book store while I peruse the aisles for a couple of hours. I see myself wrapping myself up in it’s warmth once the seasons change into cooler weather.
I forsee a lot of these cable like twists and turns in my future, and not just the knitting kind. I sat up late lastnight, letting my mind jump from one thought to the next. What do I want to do with my life? What can I do to contribute my skills and talents? How can we live a less stressful life? These typically aren’t the things you think of when you are a teenager. But somewhere down the road, as you grow older, you find yourself asking yourself these things. Somehow you must become responsible.
My whole life has been dedicated to taking care of others: my mother, my son, my daughter, my friends, Shawn, etc. Somehow I forget to take care of my needs. I find that I need to be in control because lately everything has been out of my control. I’m trying to get organized again. I’m trying to find new outlets, like a new book club and joining the YMCA. I’m giving myself new challenges like making more foods from scratch, (last night it was homemade tortilla chips and guacamole), and starting a Once A Day Post challenge for August. I find that I’m wanting to get out more and that the deep, dark depression that somehow fits me like a shroud at times has slowly lifted. I look at the stars outside more often and feel dizzy. I watch Scout sleep and remember her days here at home. I dream about going back to school and learning a new language. A new culture.
I’m ready to start my new journey.