Extended Vacation

Excuse me if this post is a little sad or depressing, but I can justify myself in a moment. As I was sitting at the LYS this afternoon to work on my Ribs and Cable Tank, Shawn called. He said something was “wrong”, in which I immediately thought the kids. But no, it was Oliver. He was acting, “weird”. I broke speed limits to get home, but by the time I got here he had died. I don’t know why. This morning he was chasing us around the house. Last night he ate a load of food and walked around. I just don’t know why.

I used to attend church regularly. I helped with VBS. I went to Bible Study and did my confirmation classes at 18 years old. I was baptized. I believed in God. Years later here I am wondering why the world survives in the condition it is in. How people live the way they do without regrets. How good things happen to bad people, and how bad things deteriorate good people. AIDS, poverty, teenage pregnancy, muggings, war…I’ve never understood. With my depression I’ve often found myself pleading to God to answer me. Why me? What did I do as a little zygote to deserve a life of depression, anxiety, mania, insomnia… Why are some people born into families that abuse them and destroy their lives? Why do some children have parents who are willing to kill them and leave them in a dumpster after taking their first breath?

I do not understand. I do not understand how this world works. I know in my heart that I can get through this, but sometimes I don’t want to. I’m scared to let Scout grow up in a world of mini skirts and rape. I’m scared to let Jem grow up in a world where kids bring guns to their school. Is it a punishment that God has instilled upon the human race for past transgressions?

Theoretically speaking, I think the world should have ended a long time ago. We’ve destroyed the land, animals and the human race. And yet we keep on keeping on. As I walked through the aisles of the grocery store after wrapping Oliver’s limp body in a towl I couldn’t help but look at the people. Wondering how do they pay for so much food? Are they really happy as they seem? How can they not be heartbroken that this beautiful little 4 week old kitten who was running around when I left this morning to buy him a litter box, how can he be dead and their world still living?

I know it’s such a miniscule thing for someone else to deal with. Most people would say it’s “just a cat”. But he was part of our family. I nursed him with a tiny bottle. I wiped his butt so he could pee. We gave him a warm shelter. We loved him. Now he’s gone and I don’t know what to do. I’m sad. I’m heartbroken that God could take away such a beautiful creature. I want to know why. I want to trade him something, anything. I want to hear Oliver meowing in the middle of the night. I want him to bite my finger looking for his mama’s nipple. I want him to scratch my arms as he tries to climb up to my shoulder and purr in my ear. I just want my little baby back. It hurts so bad and couldn’t have come at a worse time in my life.

That said, I’ll be taking a blog break for at least a week. Thanks for listening if you got that far.

Rest in peace Oliver. We miss you.


10 thoughts on “Extended Vacation

  1. Oh my gosh, AJ, I am also heartbroken to hear that. I am so sorry and sad for you and your family! You know what an animal lover I am. I understand how he was not “just a cat”. He was lucky to have found such a loving and wonderful home for the short time he was on this earth. My thoughts are with you.

  2. AJ, I am sorry to hear about your cat. I know that animals can quickly become part of the family…
    The thoughts that you shared hit home with me. I know that many people have similar questions and struggles about the world-its chaos, crime, etc. If God is loving, how does he allow all this? Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense when we look at it. Yet it does make more sense when we view it through the Bible.
    We know that sin entered the world with Adam and Eve and their choice to rebel against a holy and loving God. They thought they knew better than God how to live-how to be happy. And ever since then we all have that same heart-that desire to run our own lives, do what “feels good”, and not live in submission to our Creator. But the good news, as I know you learned in church, is that God didn’t leave us just to go our own way, He sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins and take the punishment that we deserved. And what’s even more amazing is that we don’t have to do anything to “earn” His forgiveness. All we have to do is believe that Christ died in our place. And put our faith in Him to save us. When one does this, he ceases to live for himself and has an overwhelming desire to live for Christ. He starts to live for the purpose he was created for-to worship God! In this alone, I believe, is hope. No, not hope that everything here on earth will get better. But hope that one day we will live with Jesus forever in heaven where there will be no more tears or death, no more sadness, no more pain or suffering.
    Thanks for letting me share my heart…
    Hugs to you-LaNae

  3. I agree with everything LaNae said. Also my Bible says “the enemy comes to kill, steal , and destroy , God came to give us life and give it more abundantly”. Please in this time of saddness remember who our enemy is. Hugs to you and your family!

  4. I am so sorry for your lost. I’m sure that Oliver had a wonderful life with you! I really understand…a cat is not just a cat, it’s a member of the family. xox

  5. So sad to hear about your little baby. He was so cute and so precious. When my little babies pass on it’s like losing a member of the family, they are so dear to our hearts. My prayers and hugs for you and your family. With my depression and anxiety I often wonder why this world is the way it is. What you wrote is so true and so straight to the heart. You took the words right out of my mouth!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s