a lot to learn

for one tumultuous year:

falling in love, three times. having my heart broken, three times.

being homeless for almost three months. two apartments, two motels.

losing my car in the middle of the night due to late registration.

having my life threatened by my 14 year old son.

giving up school.

they all come with lessons, don’t they? they must! musn’t they?

i’ve learned that no matter how much i think i know a person, i don’t know every cell. every atom. every intention. i admit, being single sucks. more times than not, i daydream of what was. not what could be. so i know i’m not quite ready for the relationship i’ve always wanted. maybe one day i’ll learn to be at peace with that and be able to move on.

i’ve learned that i need to be responsible. i turned my head a number of times, when i wanted to feel things less. deal with things less. i just wanted to forget and this person was able to give that to me, even if only for a little while. my anxiety has lessened a little bit. i don’t need to take the Klonopin very often, though i do still carry the prescription with me wherever i go. i’ve learned that i need to feel a little more. and deal with things that make me afraid. i’m in the process of moving out, again. for the umpteenth time in three months. i have a fairly good chance (cross myself) of renting an apartment on the other side of the valley. i won’t know for a few days.

i’ve learned i don’t really need a car. i’ve never had much use of them. i’m bad with maintenance. i tend to drive them to the ground in most instances. of course, waking up at 12 a.m. to someone saying “hey, someone towed your car” probably wasn’t the best top-o-the-morning to endure, but i’ve gotten used to those long bus rides with three dozen stops getting me from here-to-there. i actually don’t mind. it’s got me walking more (which means i’m losing weight in the process). i enjoy the longer rides when i can crack open a book and get lost into a story. (currently, “the kingmaker’s daughter” by Philippa Gregory). and economically, well i’m no longer spending $20 every three days on gas. i don’t even have to spend $20 for the entire month.

i’ve learned that i will have to choose my battles. he is fourteen now. Asperger’s syndrome. therapy resistant. ADD. Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Depressive Disorder. won’t comply with medication instructions. truant from school for two months. he finally crossed the line and i had him hospitalized. he now has his second fifty one fifty on his juvenile record. a few days later he was picked up by the police at 2 a.m. i’ve been told by social workers that at this point he’s gonna need probation, to hopefully, sort him out. i admit, it hasn’t gotten easier. it isn’t the least bit pleasant. i do not trust my son. and sometimes, at night, i hold my daughter a littler closer because i worry that she’s going to suffer something from all of this. i hope that if she learns anything from what she’s been through, i hope that she learns to be strong.

i’ve learned to re evaluate what i want to do with myself. i kept forcing myself to go back and just get it done with, but it wasn’t what i wanted to do. for months i’ve gone back to my original path, in animal sciences. i’m re-taking two courses that i had to do a medical drop out for. i’m also taking an animal care taking class, with lab, and Biology, with lab. it’s approximately 11 units. 9 hours of labs out of the class room. but i’ve made a point to gather all the information i need to be ready on the first day of class. i know what books to purchase. i know what my schedule is and will keep to it. soon i’ll learn everything else i need to know. in the meantime, i’m going to try to enjoy my 34 days of freedom before school actually begins. i will be giving up my afternoons, putting someone else in charge of Scout three afternoons a week.

i’ve surrendered so much these past 365 days. i’m hopeful that the next 365 will provide for better days. and hopefully in each one of the, i will have learned something.

tis the season

…to be over.

i know it sounds awfully Bah Humbug of me, but honestly and truly: i woke up this morning and realized “it’s the day after Christmas“. a huge sigh of relief. i know i can’t be the only people pleasing, filled with guilt if you can’t get it, type mother who gets harried during the holidays.

don’t get me wrong. i long for the long strings of holiday lights upon rooftops as i’m driving around town in the early evening. i like the array of colorful wrapping paper and shiny bows. i look forward to weather changing and with it, new holiday menus offering Gingerbread Latte’s and freshly carved turkey sandwiches with cranberry sauce. i love the smell of the Christmas tree lots, especially after an evening rain. my heart melts when i hear people singing carols, ringing bells in front of grocery stores, and all the movies that make Christmas so magical.

but then there’s the other side of the holidays. there’s the financial burden. filling a room full of toys and treats for two children, these days, is much more difficult now that it’s a one income home. there is so much more pressure. this year has been particularly difficult because of the adjustment in moving residence in the beginning of the month, and the transition of Scout’s Kindergarten class. we’ve also had the pleasure of catching a cold, (Scout and i primarily).

i’ve learned from this holiday season. i’m going to make adjustments for next year:

1. knit my mom a Fair Isle sweater

2. our “holidays” will be spent at Disneyland on Thanksgiving weekend (we will celebrate both Scout and my birthdays early)

3. we will be volunteering at a soup kitchen to serve Christmas dinners to the homeless

and i’ll wrap it all up in a big red bow.

Merry Christmas.

(glad it’s over.)

ornaments

{ gingerbread ornament assembly line }

{ one of my gingerbread men }

fall festival

last night was our redeemer lutheran church’s annual fall festival. earlier in the day i volunteered to help set up for a couple of hours. then scout and i headed out to the fun.

it was a perfectly cool evening for the festival.

{ posing with a friendly scarecrow. }

{ one of the three pony rides. }

{ pink hair do and a pumpkin tattoo. }

{ bouncing in one of the jumpers. }

{ halloween sweet treat after a delicious beef brisket dinner for me, hot dog for scout. scout had three desserts which included a root beer float, a piece of pumpkin pie and a two scoop sundae. that doesn’t include all the candy she won as prizes from the games. }

Pumpkin Eater

The truth of the matter is that I cheated a little bit. I bought two pumpkins from the grocery store. The truth of the matter is I’m not sure we’ll be able to afford the pumpkin festival this year. And the truth of the matter is that Scout still had fun carving a pumpkin even though she’s 19 days early.

{Taking the “lid” off and scooping out the insides.}

{Little Pumpkin Jack.}

{She was trying to say cheeseburger.}

{Watching and feeling the Santa Anas.}

It’s been a lovely day. We carved Little Pumpkin Jack. Ate pasta salad and pizza. Found some neat sticks. Played in the toddler park. Felt the warm wind against my back. And finished my History paper. It’s all good.

To All the Mothers

I hope you are all enjoying the sniffs and sneezes of your children. I hope you are all enjoying the bedtime stories. I hope you are all enjoying picking up toys from places you never thought a toy could fit into. I hope you are all enjoying the stacks of dishes after a big family gathering. I hope you are all enjoying the memories of your children when they were born when it seemed like it was just yesterday. I hope you are all enjoying the time you’ve had with your children. I hope you will all enjoy the time you still have with your children. Here’s to the hard working mothers of the world. Enjoy.

{Roses that Jem picked for me.}

Countdown

Last night Shawn and I were having a discussion about how Christmas really isn’t as much fun as it used to be. The holidays are much different for me as an adult as compared to being a child. And hugely different from being an adult as compared to being a child who still believed in old Saint Nick. The most stress I experienced, as a child, was figuring out what to tell Santa I wanted. My list changed daily weekly. The proverbial pony was always at the top of my list. So was a piano and a turtle. Santa must have put me on his naughty list because I never did get a pony, piano or turtle.

But things have changed. Commercialism is alive and kicking. Jem and Scout both find themselves glued to the bright colors on TV. A commercial describing the newest and best toys. Forget that they will play with them for five minutes and then all is lost. Or better yet, the boxes and wrapping paper will bring much more joy to Scout than what was in the box.

So this year we are doing a small Christmas. A Christmas about being with family and friends. A Christmas about baking, (and even eating), cookies, peanut brittle and Chex Mix. A Christmas about making gifts that will last longer than any other store bought toy. A Christmas where hot chocolate is dessert nearly every night. A Christmas where we sit together, crowded on the couch under blankets, watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas” or “A Scooby Doo Christmas”, (more of the latter than the former as it happens). A Christmas about turning on the little colored lights and watching people’s faces aglow. A Christmas where our cards are already sent. A Christmas where the tree is trimmed and stockings have already been hung.

A Christmas where I can look at my window and appreciate every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and stitch that I put into it.

A chaotic mess:

A chronological materpiece, in my humble opinion of course.

I am . that close to being done with the knit presents. In fact, I’m so close that I decided to add a couple smaller things for the kids. But you’ll just have to wait, just like them.

Paper and Glue

Every year, since I started to scrapbook, I have always gotten creative and made our Christmas cards. And since I only make them for family and close friends I don’t have to worry about making dozens of them for people who might only look at them and then store them away. I try to avoid thinking about my pretty little cards in the trash amongst an abundance of wrapping paper, tape, or fruitcakes.

But this year I wanted to keep it simple because, really, do I need to make two dozen? I certainly don’t. While Scout was painting with her new Crayola washable paints I started making a mess with some scrapbook paper, brads, buttons, glue, distress ink, stamps…

and came up with this.

So even if I can’t afford forty four cents for every person who comments or for every person whose blog I read, I’m giving you holiday wishes via my blog. You may not get it in your mail but you can always look at it on your computer. I think that’s just as good. Don’t you?

Happy Halloween

{Oooh, what’s that?}

{You’re funny!}

{Gimme candy!}

{Trick or Treat!}

{The little witch’s daddy.}

{Hallo!}

{The little witch’s mommy.}

{Scout’s view of mom.}

Ghosties and Goblins

I did a little creative carving the other night. It was a perfect night to start carving pumpkins. The night air was cold and crisp. The winds were gusting at 40 mph. We were watching “Turistas” (a great scary movie if you have the stomach for it). One might have thought it was Halloween had the date been the 31st and not the 28th.

{Boo!}