The. End.

About a week ago I was going to post how Shawn and I were having a rough patch with our relationship. I stress about school, he stresses about work. I stress about the kids, he stresses about his hobbies. I wish I could say that we had overcome these hard times.

It started Saturday night (the 15th) when I asked if he could leave so I could finish working on this very stressful Anne Boleyn paper that I was trying to work on for my Western Civilization class. He refused to leave and the rest of the day was quiet. We argued for a while and then things were back to normal. Sunday we hung out together and no problems. Monday, the same.

But Tuesday, Tueday was not the same. He told me he needed “some time to himself”. He says he needs “to find myself”. He’s 30 and he hates his job and with my crappy health I have to be honest and say that I haven’t been here for him one hundred percent.

That said. He refused to call me back on Wednesday. He promised he come on Thursday to pay our cable bill and see Scout. He never showed up and he never paid the bill. I’ve talked to what friends I have (let’s face it, Shawn intimidated a lot of my old friends). It’s been the hardest thing to do, sit around waiting for him to call. I cry when I think about what he might be doing. I get anxious when the phone rings. I sleep with Jem’s 21 oz. baseball bat next to my nightstand.

To top it off, the medications the previous Dr. gave me have given me some hardcore symptoms and I had to go to the ER. Pretty much alone. So I just cried into my pillow between the nurses setting up IV’s and taking samples. The Dr. says I might have colitis. I’m taking antibiotics but now my stomach and rib cage are bruised and every thing hurts.

None of that hurts as much as Shawn walking away from me. From Scout. From the family we’ve been for 4 1/2 years. He’s promised to pay the rent and re-up our lease. But none the less I’m scared. I’m anxious. I want to talk to him and apologize for putting my foot in my mouth because I know I said things that I regretted a moment later. But he doesn’t want to talk. He said he’s “fed up” and he’s no longer wearing his wedding ring.

I packed up four boxes of his clothes, but I can’t figure out if I should give him the things that I knit for him. Would he want them? Or the photos of us? Or does he just want to excise me, and Scout, from his life.

All the surgeries, all the appointments, all the aftercare…none of it compares to a broken heart and broken spirit. I miss him so much. I love him so much. But he’s at that point where he just doesn’t want to deal with it. I hope, and pray, that maybe in a few weeks things will be different and that maybe he’ll come back to me.

For now, it’s just me and the kids. And Rogue. I probably won’t be on this space as there are so many things to do when you separate from your loved ones. But I wanted those of you who know me, those of you who actually care about my well being, to know that I am really trying hard to get through these dark days. And I hope that soon I can post something bright and uplifting.

♥

First Swim of Spring

My children suckered politely asked me to take them to the pool because, as they would say, “All of my friends are out there”. With a sigh I reluctantly gathered my Namaste bag. I added my copy of Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique, filled a large glass with homemade lemonade and brought along some knitting. I knew well beforehand that there was no way the kids could bribe me into getting into that cold weather. Usually we get 90-100 degree weather right about now. The Spring we wish for is usually Summer already. But this year has been different and I’ve been going with it because, in all reality, I don’t like the hot, humid, dry summers we experience in Santa Clarita.

Still, I acquiesed and we went to the pool.

Scout wasn’t too sure once she jumped in the first time. It’s almost as if she had forgotten how to swim. Instead of swimming she decided that the safest place was on the steps where she could get in and out if the boys decided to throw their splash-fests her way.

You gotta love ruffley butts, right?

To All the Mothers

I hope you are all enjoying the sniffs and sneezes of your children. I hope you are all enjoying the bedtime stories. I hope you are all enjoying picking up toys from places you never thought a toy could fit into. I hope you are all enjoying the stacks of dishes after a big family gathering. I hope you are all enjoying the memories of your children when they were born when it seemed like it was just yesterday. I hope you are all enjoying the time you’ve had with your children. I hope you will all enjoy the time you still have with your children. Here’s to the hard working mothers of the world. Enjoy.

{Roses that Jem picked for me.}

As Promised

I promised I’d flash a few shots of my finished Minimalist Cardigan. It would have been done much sooner had I not impeded the blocking process. But I’d never reneg on a promise. So, here for your viewing pleasure:

Minimalist Cardigan

Interweave Knits Fall 2007

Yarn: Manos del Uruguay Rittenhouse Merino 5 Ply

Needles: US 7’s

Home

I don’t know if you noticed but I have been absent from my little space for a few days. Last Thursday my mother took me to the ER because some of the more recent medications that my Dr. prescribed were making me feel both emotionally and physically ill. I spent a few days at the hospital where the boredom got the better of me. But I met a few people. Smart and good people. And by Monday morning I felt like someone gave me an energy boost and I felt great. So here I am.

At home.

I constantly grab Scout for a hug and a kiss.

I have been talking to Jem more. We’ve decided we (our family) need to have more parties and family time. We are planning a tea party for Saturday while Shawn races in the big leagues.

My mom and I are getting along. Almost too well.

Every day I become more amazed by the little sprouts that are slowly becoming part of my herb garden.

I am appreciating the healthy foods I can eat as compared to the “I’m not sure that’s really turkey” meals that the hospital served.

I am grateful that my Political Science teacher has been very accomodating and is allowing me to take a make up exam for our second test.

I’m trying to slow down my life and am learning not to rush into everything else. Sometimes I don’t stay grounded long enough and I find that I become completely overwhelmed by the business of the world.

I am learning how to save and spend money because our finances (unfortunately) have been decreased by $200 a month and for us that’s a lot.

During the hospital stay I was very disappointed in the “free time” activities that the hospital provided. There were games missing pieces, decks of cards that were incomplete, jigsaw puzzles missing pieces, an out of tune piano and a broken CD player. I’ve decided that I need to take some initiative to help them. So far we’ve donated coloring books, crayons and decks of cards. Thursday I will be dropping off paperback novels and some jigsaw puzzles I found at Wal Mart.

I am happy to be home.

With my family and close friends.

And Rogue. Even though she ate everything in my purse last week (including my iPod ear buds, my checkbook with brand new checks, a hardcover library book, a few Pull Ups and my Moleskine day planner). She was so happy to see me. I instantly forgave her. So yes, I am happy to be here with her too.

Til next time. (You should be here next time, I finally finished my Minimalist Cardigan. Hooray!)